You’ve got to have faith.. Apparently

I know that I should be blogging more, and I honestly would if our stupid internet connection could actually work. I can’t believe how much of time has gone by. It is going on three months since I crashed and burned, had my little nervous breakdown and subsequently moved my scrawny ass back to my hometown to restart my life. I can’t say it has been all bad. The frustration has a way of bringing on some dark clouds though. That and the shit weather here is not helping my cause. But hey! I survived a nervous breakdown. (I am really going to get a tshirt made)

Now that I discuss this more openly with people, and this proudly does include people who I can actually see and hear, I find myself hearing the same words of “encouragement” When we get to chatting and I explain my current state, they tip toe around the word breakdown and  every single person thus far has said to me that everything will work out and everything will be fine. I am yet to fully understand what “everything” entails. I assume that they refer to me and my life.

More than just encouragement I think they feel that these words will reassure me. It struck me one day that perhaps they need to be reassured as well that I will indeed be okay. That they will not be left sweeping the pieces of me into a bin. Perhaps they need to be reassured that they are not associated to failure, or a crazy person, or what ever other title that could be bestowed upon me. Maybe it scares them to see what could happen if everything isn’t really okay. Maybe they need to see in me the hope that if you lose you mind, you can get it back. In the likely event that it could happen to them, they too will “be okay”  I think they would like for me to confirm that I will in fact land on my feet again and find my way to where ever it is I am supposed to be going so that they know it is possible to do that.

I don’t have any physical proof to substantiate this claim that all will be well again.  One has to trust and believe that this statement is/will be true. I think this is what the call having faith. And to be quite honest I am not so sure that I have much of that at the moment. In myself or my life. But you’ve got to have faith!

My Friend, The Foe

When the stars are blacked out by the stars

The darkness becomes your closest friend.

Wrapping you in a blanket of coldness

And tucking you into your bed of loneliness.

 

The loneliness becomes your solace

Familiar and safe

The coldness wrapped so tightly around you.

Seeping into you.

DON’T reach out

DON’T ask anyone to save you

They don’t care

They do not keep you company like your loneliness does.

 

They lie and tempt you.

Evil temptress Happiness

She is not yours

She deludes you with laughter and sweet smiles.

 

Stay safe

Stay in your loneliness

Coldness will protect you

loneliness will never hurt you

You will never be hurt again.