Confessions From Me

 

I sat the other night discussing with a close and concerned friend (bless his soul) what has been going on with me over the last few weeks. The rollercoaster of emotions, the drastic life changes, the resolutions I have made and hope to keep. I also mentioned my intentions to blog my way to a recovery. Please do not ask what I am recovering from, as I cannot give you that answer just yet.

He was understandably surprised that I would take to such a public platform to work through problems I have internalized to such a great extent not even I know how to reach some of them anymore. His points were valid of course. I am opening myself to speculation, accusations, and criticism. People will be able to read my thoughts. The thought does make me recoil. The barriers I have craftily placed. The slightly alarming accuracy with which I can tell people what they want to hear to believe that all is well with me. All this won’t be here to protect me from the judgments and concern. * throws up *

 

I pondered for a few days what would make me, an excessively private person of my thoughts, find the strange desire to put these thoughts into words and publish them for the world to see. Some may think it is attention seeking. And if you do, well fuck you.

I came to the following two reasons. One is that I think I might actually move forward in life, instead of the circular patterns my life seems to maneuver in, by actually telling people what I feel. Having learned this recently by ballsing up and telling my sister I needed her she swooped onto me and wrapped me into a protective embrace. I now actually feel like I might get there. And if you would like to know where “there” is for me, it is happiness.

 

The second and perhaps more driving reason is that by putting it out for the world to see and confessing to it, I make it real. By giving them their own life here, I cannot run from them. It will no longer just float around in my head.  The thought of this makes me want to crawl weakly away. Shut my laptop and ignore these issues for another 10 years. But I owe it to myself and the life I rob myself off, to face my own personal wrath. Fun times ahead…

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