Breaking my Blogging Virginity

Cup of tea in hand for liquid confidence. Here goes…

I have toyed around with the idea of blogging for many years now, contemplating what ingenious witty words I could string together to create a life changing blog. Much like the unexpected circumstances around breaking other virginities, never did I think in all those years that this is where I would be sitting and breaking my blogging virginity.

It has been over a week since I called my sister in the state of hysteria one reaches during an almost nervous breakdown, blithering in what I am sure were barely comprehensible words about how unhappy I really was. Living in the city of dreams and gold in South Africa, Joburg was my city of choice for over 4 years. I thought I was making the significant progress that I yearned for by moving into my own cosey little cottage and working with the most amazing people at a great advertising agency. So you can imagine my own shock and disbelief as I started mentally melting down at the rate of ice in a desert. Within a week of being physically ill and enduring the traumatic news I was receiving from the doctor by myself the loneliness of the life I chose wrestled me into a bedridden depression. I spent my days giving into the only two things that I seemed capable of doing. That being crying or sleeping. I literally couldn’t drag myself out of bed and I had ceased eating pretty much anything. Jaw clenched I couldn’t imagine the though of eating as I would rather be consumed by feelings of self loathing.

I was told earlier in the year by someone that I had never reached rock bottom. Of course at that time I felt like I had hit rock bottom so many times I thought I could conquer anything. Clearly I had no idea how much of my own worst enemy I could be and to what extent I could tear myself up.

After the emotional breakdown phonecall to my sister, I was booked a flight back to my hometown of Durban. Within a day I had moved my meager possessions out of my cottage, expressed great thanks to the landlord for such compassion and understand, handed in a letter of resignation to what could possible be the best bosses in the world and flew to what I now call home. I arrived here beaten and bruised and emotionally destroyed. I weigh 39kgs, my skin has a deathly grey and lifeless tinge to it and I am a physical representation of how I feel on the inside.

Sitting here at rock bottom, I hope that what they say is true. If you are at the bottom the only place to move from here is up. Up to where that is I am not entirely sure yet. I hope I figure it out before I get there though.