You’ve got to have faith.. Apparently

I know that I should be blogging more, and I honestly would if our stupid internet connection could actually work. I can’t believe how much of time has gone by. It is going on three months since I crashed and burned, had my little nervous breakdown and subsequently moved my scrawny ass back to my hometown to restart my life. I can’t say it has been all bad. The frustration has a way of bringing on some dark clouds though. That and the shit weather here is not helping my cause. But hey! I survived a nervous breakdown. (I am really going to get a tshirt made)

Now that I discuss this more openly with people, and this proudly does include people who I can actually see and hear, I find myself hearing the same words of “encouragement” When we get to chatting and I explain my current state, they tip toe around the word breakdown and  every single person thus far has said to me that everything will work out and everything will be fine. I am yet to fully understand what “everything” entails. I assume that they refer to me and my life.

More than just encouragement I think they feel that these words will reassure me. It struck me one day that perhaps they need to be reassured as well that I will indeed be okay. That they will not be left sweeping the pieces of me into a bin. Perhaps they need to be reassured that they are not associated to failure, or a crazy person, or what ever other title that could be bestowed upon me. Maybe it scares them to see what could happen if everything isn’t really okay. Maybe they need to see in me the hope that if you lose you mind, you can get it back. In the likely event that it could happen to them, they too will “be okay”  I think they would like for me to confirm that I will in fact land on my feet again and find my way to where ever it is I am supposed to be going so that they know it is possible to do that.

I don’t have any physical proof to substantiate this claim that all will be well again.  One has to trust and believe that this statement is/will be true. I think this is what the call having faith. And to be quite honest I am not so sure that I have much of that at the moment. In myself or my life. But you’ve got to have faith!

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My Friend, The Foe

When the stars are blacked out by the stars

The darkness becomes your closest friend.

Wrapping you in a blanket of coldness

And tucking you into your bed of loneliness.

 

The loneliness becomes your solace

Familiar and safe

The coldness wrapped so tightly around you.

Seeping into you.

DON’T reach out

DON’T ask anyone to save you

They don’t care

They do not keep you company like your loneliness does.

 

They lie and tempt you.

Evil temptress Happiness

She is not yours

She deludes you with laughter and sweet smiles.

 

Stay safe

Stay in your loneliness

Coldness will protect you

loneliness will never hurt you

You will never be hurt again.

Confessions From Me

 

I sat the other night discussing with a close and concerned friend (bless his soul) what has been going on with me over the last few weeks. The rollercoaster of emotions, the drastic life changes, the resolutions I have made and hope to keep. I also mentioned my intentions to blog my way to a recovery. Please do not ask what I am recovering from, as I cannot give you that answer just yet.

He was understandably surprised that I would take to such a public platform to work through problems I have internalized to such a great extent not even I know how to reach some of them anymore. His points were valid of course. I am opening myself to speculation, accusations, and criticism. People will be able to read my thoughts. The thought does make me recoil. The barriers I have craftily placed. The slightly alarming accuracy with which I can tell people what they want to hear to believe that all is well with me. All this won’t be here to protect me from the judgments and concern. * throws up *

 

I pondered for a few days what would make me, an excessively private person of my thoughts, find the strange desire to put these thoughts into words and publish them for the world to see. Some may think it is attention seeking. And if you do, well fuck you.

I came to the following two reasons. One is that I think I might actually move forward in life, instead of the circular patterns my life seems to maneuver in, by actually telling people what I feel. Having learned this recently by ballsing up and telling my sister I needed her she swooped onto me and wrapped me into a protective embrace. I now actually feel like I might get there. And if you would like to know where “there” is for me, it is happiness.

 

The second and perhaps more driving reason is that by putting it out for the world to see and confessing to it, I make it real. By giving them their own life here, I cannot run from them. It will no longer just float around in my head.  The thought of this makes me want to crawl weakly away. Shut my laptop and ignore these issues for another 10 years. But I owe it to myself and the life I rob myself off, to face my own personal wrath. Fun times ahead…

Breaking my Blogging Virginity

Cup of tea in hand for liquid confidence. Here goes…

I have toyed around with the idea of blogging for many years now, contemplating what ingenious witty words I could string together to create a life changing blog. Much like the unexpected circumstances around breaking other virginities, never did I think in all those years that this is where I would be sitting and breaking my blogging virginity.

It has been over a week since I called my sister in the state of hysteria one reaches during an almost nervous breakdown, blithering in what I am sure were barely comprehensible words about how unhappy I really was. Living in the city of dreams and gold in South Africa, Joburg was my city of choice for over 4 years. I thought I was making the significant progress that I yearned for by moving into my own cosey little cottage and working with the most amazing people at a great advertising agency. So you can imagine my own shock and disbelief as I started mentally melting down at the rate of ice in a desert. Within a week of being physically ill and enduring the traumatic news I was receiving from the doctor by myself the loneliness of the life I chose wrestled me into a bedridden depression. I spent my days giving into the only two things that I seemed capable of doing. That being crying or sleeping. I literally couldn’t drag myself out of bed and I had ceased eating pretty much anything. Jaw clenched I couldn’t imagine the though of eating as I would rather be consumed by feelings of self loathing.

I was told earlier in the year by someone that I had never reached rock bottom. Of course at that time I felt like I had hit rock bottom so many times I thought I could conquer anything. Clearly I had no idea how much of my own worst enemy I could be and to what extent I could tear myself up.

After the emotional breakdown phonecall to my sister, I was booked a flight back to my hometown of Durban. Within a day I had moved my meager possessions out of my cottage, expressed great thanks to the landlord for such compassion and understand, handed in a letter of resignation to what could possible be the best bosses in the world and flew to what I now call home. I arrived here beaten and bruised and emotionally destroyed. I weigh 39kgs, my skin has a deathly grey and lifeless tinge to it and I am a physical representation of how I feel on the inside.

Sitting here at rock bottom, I hope that what they say is true. If you are at the bottom the only place to move from here is up. Up to where that is I am not entirely sure yet. I hope I figure it out before I get there though.

 

 

This is me

This is me

I absolutely love this picture. I think it perfectly describes me, with my good and bad qualities. Most interesting is how someone whom I have have never met in my life could write something that so perfectly describes me. I guess we are never alone in what we feel. ❤

Image

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